War of the Wittiest
by Danko Kaji
Summary: Yuna goes on a date with the three leading men of Spira. Hilarity ensues. Post-game. Gen. Comedy. Gippalai indirect kiss, Yunalai hints. Written for the Final Fantasy Kiss Battle 2012. Dedicated to ser pounce alot, prompt: Gippal/Baralai, "crimson squad days"


_Originally posted March 04, 2012._

* * *

"Who shall treat Miss Yuna to lunch?"

Nooj takes a bold swig of his coffee and sighs. "I know who will."

Baralai twitches. Gippal chuckles. "Are you pointing fingers, Noojster?"

Re-crossing his legs, Baralai clears his throat and sips his tea again. "I shall."

"Heh. As expected."

"Do you want a death wish Nooj, because I would so happily provide." Baralai squeezes lemon into his tea, humming a light-hearted rendition of the Hymn.

"Allow me," Gippals says, complete with obnoxious accent and trademark smirk.

Baralai's evil smile falls, serious again. "No need. I said I would."

"Then, why are you still talking, B'man?"

Nooj snorts. "Let me do it."

"Who asked you?" Baralai cuts him off, polite mask forgotten.

"Miss Yuna here sure ain't objecting." Glare. Glare. Gippal sweats. "D-Don't be giving me those bedroom eyes, B-man-"

Gravity plants his face on the table, startling Yuna with the violence.

She can sense the broken bones in Gippal's face beneath her healing hands. "Thanks." His voice sounds muffled, yet the sarcasm can be heard. "You're a doll."

Baralai sips his tea, tongue scalded like his dignity. What man doesn't appreciate the buttons of his love life be pushed?

"Next time..." Nooj sighs. "You should just slap him."

"Only women find the sense to slap out of superiority."

"You see my point."

The temperature in the shop drops ten degrees.

"L-Let's just... go somewhere else, okay?" Yuna says with a meek smile. Did Paine have to put up with this? Often?

Why did she decide to visit Baralai after the girls' last mission? Why did she agree to go out for coffee with the Crimson Three men? Oh, yeah, because she had been worried. For nothing, apparently. Or maybe not worried enough.

Gippal's voice reels her back to reality. "Why the rush, Yuna? We haven't even bought you-."

"I'm not hungry anymore!" Yuna gasps, startled by her snap. "I-I mean... er..." Three pairs of eyes stare at her, discouraging her to speak. "I'll pay for myself. I have money."

Nooj puts his foot down, like the commanding father idiots force him to be. "Sit down. We're not going anywhere."

"Why? You don't have a steady job, do you?" Gippal shrugs, snacking on a cracker.

"Gippal." Baralai glares, falling back into big-brother kiss-ass mode. "You are being rude."

"Rude?" Gippal echoes. "What, me? When I called you a woman?"

"No."

"When I said not even Paine can make a man out of you?"

Sigh. "No."

"That you and Nooj would make a nice couple?"

Glare. "...no."

"...hmm... You mean the bedroom eyes?"

"NO!" Baralai clears his throat, remembering where they are. People have been staring since their celebrity appearances, more so due to their inane theatrics. "You are insulting Lady Yuna."

"It's not like I'm lying. What do you do to earn a living in Besaid anyway?" Yuna pouts. Did these people forget that the High Summoner would have had all kinds of monetary gifts more or less shoved down her throat?

"That's a good question." Nooj contemplates. "Perhaps fishermen are in demand there."

"Please do note that people in Besaid are known for their magnificent tailoring."

"And fine textiles, I heard." Nooj speaks over Baralai's input, ignoring his glare.

"That is what I just said."

"Oh. Did you?"

Again, Nooj ignores the death glare worthy of Ultima's might.

"I bet blankets from Besaid would make reeeally nice comforters at night..." Gippal nudges Nooj. He gives the shameless Al Bhed an impassive look, dismissing the silly insignificant innuendo. "For sleep? Naturally."

Baralai's vice grip on the innocent tea cup tightens. It shatters, soiling the table cloth. "Oh, goodness me... Must not have been aware of my true strength." When Baralai smiles like that, Gippal wants to head for the Calm Land hills, or Gagazet's mountain. Or maybe the Zanarkand ruins. Better yet, is there a single place in Spira safe from Baralai's wrath?

"You know what, Gippal. Thanks for the suggestion. I should buy one as a present for Paine." Nooj tries to avert the crisis, but Baralai doesn't appreciate the effort.

"Speaking of Paine..." Baralai smiles, folding his hands on his lap. "I spoke to her the other day."

Nooj snaps to attention. "When?"

"Huh. And she didn't even bother to say hi... to me?" Gippal says, amused.

"She contacted me by Commsphere before yesterday's meeting."

"Oh. Still. She didn't want to say hi _to me_?"

Nooj says nothing, analyzing the evil man before him for quirks in his calm mask. Baralai chuckles. "Do you not see what that means?"

Innocent understanding dawns on Yuna. Grateful for this change in topic, she grins. "Paine is with Rikku!"

"Yes. Essentially, she rides with the Gullwings as we speak."

At this point, Nooj couldn't contain his morbid curiosity. "...and you talked to her."

"Yes."

"She contacted you."

"Yes."

"..."

Yuna and Gippal watches those two exchange pointless remarks like a live blitzball match. Nooj drums his metallic fingers on the soiled table cloth. Baralai steals Gippal's smoothie and delights himself to a sip. A long, long sip.

"Indirect kiss." Gippal sticks his tongue out. Baralai blinks.

"That doesn't bother you, does it?"

"Uh, no... not really- I mean, you're supposed to be grossed out!"

"Really? Are you?" Yuna blushes, struck by his bold innocence. Or perhaps his obliviousness to the potential bromance. Gippal seems to be greatly amused by this development.

"I don't know. You ask me. But then again, what haven't we shared?"

Nooj clears his throat, bored by this thread of unresolved sexual tension. Yuna appears to be lost in a daydream. One which he suspects involves sexual intercourse between a Yevonite and Al Bhed in the name of forbidden love.

"...What did you talk about, then?"

Baralai plays stupid. "Who? Ah. Yes. Paine. Hmmm... Nothing really."

An angry tick forms on his temple. "Oh, 'nothing really', eh?"

"I apologize." Baralai allows himself an insolent smile, fiddling with the straw. "I didn't quite make myself clear."

"Go on, then." Nooj folds his arm, and reclines - ready for the show.

"We crossed swords in the throes of passion, so to speak."

Startling silence. Nooj sits there, unblinking, trying to imagine a scandalous image. And by grudging admission finds he likes it when the Praetor proves to be a very convincing woman.

"...who won?" Gippal just has to ask.

"Why, Lady Yuna can tell you. She knows all about it. She was present when this battle of warriors ensued."

Too much blood flow pumps into her cheeks, suffocating her capacity to breathe. "W-What are you trying to say?! That... I... like... k-k-kinky..."

Unable to comprehend his game, Nooj waits. Happy to enjoy the pilfered drink uninterrupted, Baralai indulges in another prolonged sip. Impatient of Yuna's imminent stroke attack, Gippal decides to pick on Baralai instead to even the odds.

Can't have the High Summoner just dropping dead around Spira's leading three. No, no... that would be political suicide.

"Your sucking capacity impresses me, B'man."

Spontaneous cardiac arrest. Baralai chokes and Yuna faints.

Gippal wonders whether or not throwing the remains of the smoothie on Yuna proves the best way to wake her back up. In the meantime, Nooj nurses her back to health by patting her back until it occurs to him: "Wrong patient."

An empty glass strikes the ex-mevyn square in the head. "H-Hands off... Lady... Yuna..." Baralai pats his chest for air in the meantime, struggling to articulate himself on the brink of death.

Gippal lightens up, noticing a bombshell of a woman glare in their direction. "Hey, look at that sexy waitress! She's looking at us- oh, now she's walking right over here. Wait. She looks like the manager... Uh-oh."

Regardless of the fact they are the leading forces behind Spira, they are booted out for public misdemeanors. If only it had stopped there, before sexual harassment, destruction of personal property, and attempted arson sullied their chances of ever returning to that establishment.

* * *

Later on, Baralai will get an angry commsphere call from Paine demanding to know why Yuna's under the impression he's telling people they had some kind of kinky three-way.

"I said no such thing." Baralai looks hurt, insulted. Paine raises an eyebrow. "I really didn't. Trust me."

"Okay, _now_ I know you're lying."

"I swear it on Yevon's grave."

"Spill it. And none of your Yevon bullshit."

"Well. It's like telling old news."

"...and?"

Paine already kind of has a clue, knowing how those three goof off when they get together, but Yuna's mind needs to be put to rest. She gets the feeling even if he told her, Yuna's mind will never be put to rest.

"Quite frankly, I am surprised, Paine. You do not remember?"

"What? Ugh. Not you, too. What is with you and Yuna? You never get straight to the point."

"Oh? What did it take for Yuna to, ah, 'spill it', hm?" Baralai sniffs, nervous at the receiving end of her ruby-eyed glare. "Alright. If you insist..." He clears his throat, face and tone serious. "I merely recalled events as it truly happened."

"And that was?"

"Beneath the grounds of Bevelle, we crossed swords in the name of passion." Baralai stifles his gulp when the glare intensifies. "...so to speak."

"Are you talking about that one time we kicked your ass?"

"If you have to word it like that, then yes. I am."

Paine groans. In the background, Yuna doesn't know whether to be relieved or pissed.

"...I so hate you right now."

He smiles. "Aww. I love you, too."

Paine cuts the line.


End file.
